Four years, seven months, twenty five days.

I was very happy in the beginning that I never needed to speak to anybody about it, i was just high on love and life that I have no more time sharing it to other people.
Time pass by, life happens, things change.
It is very hard for me to accept the reality that im in doubt whether i am still happy in this relationship or not.
The last time i wrote something about love is when I was deeply sad about being alone all the time. I wanted to have a boyfriend then so that i can have a companion all the time, but why do i always choose the difficult people which equates to difficult relationships.
now i am in doubt: am i still happy? is it still worth it? do i still want this?

I always feel this way every time I am alone, which is ALL THE FUCKING TIME but when we are together, i come back to a world of happiness, a made up fantasy land.

By now, I should've accepted the fact that I will never be his priority, there there will always be people he loves more than me, but Im still in denial. im still dreaming.

am i still happy? is it still worth it? do i still want this?

5 Questions, One answer: My TBR Dream Marathon Story. From Zero to 42.195km

WHY

It was the middle of 2012,  my life was deeply eaten by my then work and I was just 22 but I already felt the quarter-life crisis. I was not happy with everything that was happening. After passing our board exam, I thought that working would make me be interested in life again but it failed me. Every passing day became monotonous, I had no work-life balance, my bad habits had started to fill my free time again and I was lost. I wanted to do something that not everybody could do, something that I could be proud of. Then  one day, my brother Edison (TBR DM 2011 alumnus) went home from abroad who reminded me of the days when he would wake up every morning to run God knows how far and how long and those weekends when I would support him during his races. So I thought of doing the same thing he does for years now. Run, just run.

WHEN

August - I scolded  myself one morning during breakfast because even though I have promised to run, my bed always wins against my alarm clock and my shifting schedule at work was a headache. The thought of joining a race have played in my mind over and over again and what made me laugh by myself is the thought of me joining a full marathon, just to challenge myself. Me, without any running experience, without any training plan and at that time, without even a running  shoe! And then one day, while scanning my Facebook's news feed, I saw this TBR Dream Marathon advertisement that the online registration was to begin in two days. I registered. I didnt know what I was getting into. I just prayed and told myself that a successful registration would be a sign that I can and will finish the 42.195km. 

Scanning the list of the people who got in felt exactly like the moment when I scanned the list of our board exam's passers. 

HOW

"You conquer the marathon not during the race, but each and every time you lace up, run the last few kilometers or win over the temptation to stay home in bed" - Jaymie Pizzaro

Being a newbie without any experience at all, that very statement in our welcome kit made me courageous and faithful about what lay ahead of me. After reading the kit, finishing a full marathon, which was up until then had been only a thought playing in my mind, became a DREAM. I had been challenged, and fear nor doubt did not surface within me, but excitement and fortitude. At that moment, I was positive I could do it.

After attending the first Bull Circle and listening to Coach Jim Lafferty, I began to religiously follow his training program. I had a really hard time since I have a shifting schedule at work which changes day after day. Some days I had to run as early as 3am, some nights I had to run as late at 11pm and there were about two weekends when I wasnt able to do LSD because I had to work during the graveyard shift. 

And then the first Bull Clinic came. I joined the 2:1 group after hearing what Coach Lit Onrubia had to say which made me scared of joining the other pace groups. I knew that morning that I was weaker than everybody else since I have just started running few weeks back while others have been running for months or years already. But it surprised me when I was able to run with the pack joyfully and easily. Happiness and fulfillment was my reward that morning.

As weekday maintenance runs and weekend LSD schedules passed, I didnt know if I was on the right track. There  was no body whom I could ask about how they were doing because I know no one from my TBR DM batch, so I just continued running and training.

During the third Bull Clinic, because I was feeling really good that morning, I thought of joining the 3:1 group headed by Coach Lit. At first it was fun but as we go on running, I felt the speed and how strong the pack was. After the run, exhaustion and frustration ate me. I have been following the training plan but I had been left by the pack that morning and I got mad at myself because of the days when I would be so lazy during a run. That morning made realize that I should train harder and run more.

My first official race was Condura Skyway Marathon when we ran 21km and where I made all of my PRs. After the race, since we needed to total 32km as our long run that weekend, I with my new TBR Dream marathon batchmates got together and ran another 11km along Daang Hari. It was my longest and most painful run.

 

WHERE

Nuvali - is very special to my heart. It is not only the place where I ran my first full marathon but it is also the place where I met new and up until now and I guess my lifetime running buddies. It was a freezing January Saturday early morning organized by Belle and Japo when I met and became friends with some of my TBR Dream Marathon Batchmates: Polen, Yani, Cathy, Jobert, Vincent, Japo, Belle, GMae and Raffy. At 2am that morning, together we began running and after couple of hours, together we finished 30 kilometers. It was painful but with the muscle ache comes the indescribable euphoria. I have no words for what it felt. It was our longest run and we just broke the 25km barrier.

After that Saturday morning in Nuvali, weekend LSDs have become more exciting because few more people from TBR DM 2013 came to run with us; Beng, Dunhill, Adel, Jarold, Jovie, Mark, Andrew, Bevs, Josh and Abby. Most of us joined the group to do LSDs together in our (now "usual") MOA-CCP-Roxas Blvd route every weekend until the last Sunday before the marathon day.

WHAT

The Bull Runner Dream Marathon changed my life forever and February 24, 2013 was the highlight of the journey. 

Before the gunstart, our new running circle met for good luck bids, couple of photo ops and a little stretching excises.

The first half of the marathon was so great  that we could still sing together, joke around and pose for the cameras clicking.

I got to run with Polen and Abby until the 30th kilometer after which I decided to increase my pace for a better finish time.
But at the 35th kilometer, my legs felt so heavy, my lungs started to shout for more air and my body was almost breaking down. Pain was all I felt but it seemed to soothe me, like it was what I wanted. I guess at that moment, I wasnt myself anymore. I just run as far as I could, and then walk as little as I would like to, I wasnt following my interval anymore. At that moment I just wanted to finish the whole thing up and I didnt care about anything and anybody anymore.

 And then viola, my dad came our of nowhere with his banner raised! I passed by him with a big smile on my face, pain somehow eased a little and I got recharged for the last loop of the route before the finish line.

5hrs and 33mins after, I was in tears, I did cross the finish line! At 7:30am, while other people are still in their bed sleeping or fussing around, I became a marathoner! And at that moment, I swear that I felt INFINITE!

A playful challenging thought from a monotonous life of a 22 year old you-p which flourished to become a dream was the reason for all of this! Everybody has their freewill to dream. Old people used to tell me "Mangangarap ka na rin lang, lakihan mo na." So one day the I had this dream, something that I never thought I could do, something that I have never even thought of doing, something that I thought was a total waste of time and  something that I thought only crazy people do, something for me which spelled m-a-r-a-t-h-o-n. When I registered for The Bull Runner Dream Marathon, I didnt even know the exact distance of a full marathon, I didnt have a running shoe, I didnt have a legit running clothe and I didnt have any experience at all. All I had was a courageous and faithful heart and a firm determination towards a very specific goal: finish The Bull Runner Dream Marathon. I started like a pea in a vast farm, helpless and alone but as days passed on, the little pea grew into a plant ready to face anything. The training plan and all the information have helped me get ready for the big day. I have learned everything that I know about running from The Bull Circles and Bull Clinics.
Finishing a marathon is not just about crossing the finish line, it is mostly the journey towards it. Training for TheBullRunner Dream Marathon has changed my life forever and I like to tell that to people who asks about my marathon experience over and over again because it really did!
 I struggled at the beginning and didnt know anybody at all. I used to be so jealous of the group of people who would come together and run together during the circles and clinics. I vividly remember this lady who laughed at me during one of the Bull Circles because I was alone and I could not do the exercise asked by Coach Jim Saret, and she told me "First time mo noh?" and I just smiled. She challenged me even more. I could not remember her face any more but to who ever you are, I'd like to tell that I am now a marathoner!

One of the best decision I've made through out the training period was to come and join a weekend LSD invitation over our TBR DM Facebook group by this lady I did not know who is now a friend, Belle. I skipped her first weekend LSD invite because I was so shy and I thought that I was so weak compared to them, that they would just leave me behind but I was wrong. They never leave anybody behind, somebody would always accompany a person ahead or behind. We became friends that up until now, we would do LSD together in our "usual" MOA-CCP-Roxas Blvd route. It was also their fault that I ran my second full marathon during Milo Marathon last July. It is also within my new running group from TBR DM where I met my current boyfriend.
I would like to thank Jaymie Pizzaro and Jim Lafferty for creating the best event in this country, Coach Lit Onrbia for teaching us all he knows about running and to all the people who made The Bull Runner Dream Marathon possible. You transform people's lives for the better!

From boring to exciting, that is what my life had gotten. Crossing the finish line felt as sweet as my most painful long run! From 0 km to 42.195km! Who would've thought someone like me could do it? But I did! And to whoever is reading this, if you think you couldnt do it too, I guess you're probably right but to you who think that you could run a marathon, I assure you that you can cross that finish line with a big smile! ;)

  

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Just another poem

Roses are now red and violets are now blue

My life has been colorful, all because of you

Every waking morning is an excitement

For it is again with you I will share every moment

I love you. You love me. No one will ever be a replacement.

To unbreak our love has become one of God’s commandment

Not until this very day I ever lived

For how can I exist when we are parted?

And I hope this present will last until ever after

Madly, deeply, crazily in love with my favorite stranger

Stay. Don’t change. Don’t let loose. Love me forever

archive from college for my college crush. :p

Dashing through the corridor, I search for you

My darling, my morphine, my personal addiction

Hunting your bulgy eyes which always sparkle like dew

Appear from nowhere and feed the thirst of my vision

I dress, I speak, I think, I live for your presence

Come and take my heart which beats for your essence

Love me, hate me, adore me or ignore me

Still faithfully until forever my heart is for thee

Albeit your having confusing actions

With you around, life is always in proportions

Smile, be not a stranger, stay in front of me wholly

For it is you alone who takes away all of my melancholy

LIFE EVENT: Sir Chief happened

I signed up for a full marathon run un aware of what's in it for me, I did not know what I was getting into, all I wanted that time was to do something that not everybody could do, something that I could really be proud of. And then I started training. The beginning was a disappointment, I was always left behind everytime we were out running in groups. Because of this, I promised myself to run more, train harder. And then I got addicted to running.

When I run I feel free. When I run I feel invincible. When I run especially when the distance gets longer and I can barely feel my legs, I feel infinite.

Never did I expect that in the course of fulfilling this marathon dream, during the hardest days of training I would meet somebody who will make me feel free, invincible, infinite all at the same time even if I do not run.

It was a freezing January Saturday morning in Nuvali when I first talked to him. He was so confident about his skin that he talked a lot and to everybody even though he doesn't really know them. He was so relaxed talking to everyone like all of us was a big happy barkada.

Marathoners know how painful and really difficult it is to train for the marathon day itself, it brings out the best as well as the worst in you. And maybe because we've been through a lot of hard times together that we became a little closer to each other in that relatively short span of time. About three months ago, I did not believe in love at first sight, Im not saying that it happened to me, its just that after everything that I've been through, I've changed my mind. The span of falling in love with someone is really dependent on each and every individual. One person's feeling is very very different from another.

I've been a jerk magnet for the longest time. I've played and been played with love over and over. But so far, he is a lot different from everybody. Comparing him to people I've mingled with, well he's not the most handsome,not the most gentleman,  not the most intelligent, not even the man in my dreams but it has never really mattered, not a single day. Who wants perfect? Perfect is boring. And well, in my case the perfect one never cross my mind because there's nothing in there but him. Age gap is a matter that I've been dealing with people and rarely with my own self. 20 years, that's too much isn't it? Even if a lot of my friends tell me that age doesn't matter, at the end of the day, it will and I will still not care. People will judge, people will say nasty things to me and to us but I don't care. These people aren't the reason of my happiness, they aren't the reason of my good day.

They say that when you've found true love, never ever let go of it for it happens rarely and most of the time just once in a span of a lifetime.

What we have is special. I cant assure if it is true love, I hope and pray it is. I am very willing to fight for it because I know it will be worth it. Just like the marathon journey, our relationship is not going to be easy. Not everybody will like it, almost everybody will tell me to get off it but I have made my mind that whatever they tell me or to people behind my back, whatever they do to put me off this relationship, I will not falter.

Even if it is rough and winding, I chose this journey because I have never been this happy in my life. Struggles and haters are normal, I would always thank them for because of them that our relationship becomes more interesting and with whatever obstacle they put us through, we become and will become stronger.

*17th Day of April 2013
14:17 
And to my own version of Sir Chief, thank you for still loving me even though I have  mood swings, even if Im so lazy, even if I always keep you up at night, even if I always leave you during our runs, even if Im so ugly and all the bad things I that I am. Let me love you as much as you love me. Thank you that most of the time I am overwhelmed by your love.
Thank God for that Monday afternoon after our marathon, it was that afternoon that I fell in love with the best man in this universe! I cant help myself but to fall for this guy who sat with me by the beach, argued with me about the big and small dipper and just made me laugh all evening.
You are the best thing that happened to me. :)
I love you Jap. :)
XOXO

Post 3 hour long run in Nuvali thoughts.

(Coach Lit Onrubia saying his finals words for the day.)

First of all, thank you God for such a nice weather, especially that little drizzle, soothing! :)

This morning was my first run in Nuvali, I was sooo excited and a little nervous of the unknown terrain. 3:1 interval group with a pace of 7-7.5 has always been my group, the last time Coach Lit Onrubia headed it when we ran around BGC, I felt so great that I wanted to run longer. So this morning, when Coach Lit assigned himself to be the pacer for our group, I was so happy! I like the way he manages the intervals especially during uphills plus the extra advice he gives during the run. And Jaymie, was in our group too which made it a little more exciting for me, I dont get to run with my running idol everyday.

So everything started out great. But after the first loop, I lost my group! I didnt know if I was too slow or too fast or it was just too dark, but I lost them. So I came back to our first meeting area hoping I could wait for them there, but they were taking too long and I cant stay for too long in one place because I should not rest my body for a long time. The 2:1 group just arrived and the slower 4:1 group is about to leave so I ended up joining the slower 4:1 group but I promised myself to get back to my 3:1 group as soon as I catch them. At first I was able to keep up with the 4:1 group but as soon as the loooooong uphill started to get in me, they started pulling away from me. Then I saw my interval group. We just got over the loong uphill and my 3:1 group is just starting to get through it, I didnt want to run another loop of the uphill because it is too painful so I continued to run with the 4:1 group. I thought I was going to see my 3:1 group as soon as we get over the other side of the road but I guess they never went through it because when I get back to the meeting place, people were already starting to cool down and stretch muscles. 

I finished 25.8km. Running almost the entire time under an interval group which I never have trained for, I am happy with this mileage. I just hoped I never lost my 3:1 group.

Lesson learned: NEVER EVER do a long run under a pace or an interval which you never have trained for. NEVER EVER do something new during a long run.

The masochist within me was wide awake during the uphills, fcking uphill! Soothing pain, pleasuring pain.

what makes me a little sad is that in less than two months, all of this is going to end and I wouldnt know what to do with my life anymore.

Chasing my Dream: 42.195 km on February 24, 2013 Tthe Bull Runner: Dream Marathon)

My last real long run was two years ago when, from out of nowhere, I decided to join Team Sinarapan's Run for Lake Buhi.
I trained for three weeks under the well lit roads of UST .
Before and after  that period, I used running to waste time and "get fit", there was even a moment when I thought running isnt for me.

My brother, who is now an ultramarathoner (finished 100k in TNF 100) started the craze about running when it wasnt this popular yet. he finished his first full marathon in the first The Bull Runner Dream Marathon about four years ago.

It was then when I first met The Bull Runner herself, Jaymie Pizzaro, who has been my "running inspiration" and Coach Jim Lafferty who wrote our training program which I try to follow religiously.











When I registered for The Bull Runner's Dream Marathon slot online, I was still unsure of what I was signing up for. I took my successful registration a sign from God; that I will do it and that I could do it.

But why?
(My story might be boring and pointless for a couple of people but it is what it is. This is why I am going to run a  marathon.)

After passing the board exam last June, nothing good was happening so I felt that my life is been down low. When I got a job in a well-known hospital in Makati, I thought that it would bring me fulfillment and joy, but after few months on my first work, while the job fulfills me as a pharmacist, I wasnt happy, I didnt know why, I wanted to keep moving but I didnt want to resign yet, then I felt that I hit rock bottom, "quarter-life crisis" as when they call it. So I was constantly looking for something to do aside from work, something that I could enjoy, spend my extra time and energy on and have a fulfillment after. Then my brother who is now an ultramarathoner went home from Singapore for a short business trip here, he reminded me of running, of how people could break boundaries with it. So I thought, "I will run a marathon."And then things happened so fast after it. The Bull Runner's Dream Marathon, a marathon specially for first and second time marathoners has just announced its registration date. It is with TBR DM where my brother ran his first full FM and I was there to cheer him and i saw how important every runner is and how they would cheer for you from the beginning until you cross that finish line. So I chose TBR DM for my first full marathon: February 24.

This is something that is as important as graduating in college, as important as passing the board exam, this is my dream and I am going to cross that finish line on february 24 and I am going to fulfill my marathon dream.

I have been training for two weeks now, following the TBR DM program by Coach Jim Lafferty.

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LIFE: Student vs. Employee

What an adventure it was tonight going home from my work area which is just 15- 30 mins away!

While I was walking along Ayala Ave. fishing for a cab that’ll ride us home under the heavy rain which was slowly soaking me, I realized how exactly opposite life is now being an employee compared to being a student. When i was still in college, I always hope the rain would fall a little harder night before a class day even though it floods around UST so that the classes would be suspended early in the morning. But now Im praying that the rain would stop so that every employee could go home easily and safely for we have work to do in the morning, we have patients to attend to, we have lives to save!

Salawikaiin ng mga hopeless romantic

Zsa Zsa Padilla sings Through The Years at the necrological service for Dolphy.

True Love

Freshly picked fruit from out neighbor in Bicol

Two kinds of unlovable people.

Some people are nice only when you are talking to them, im front if them or your presence is being felt by them but once you have turned around and/or gone away, then they start saying things you wont imagine these people will say about you.

And then there are these people that try to say what they wanna say about and/ or to you by shouting or murmuring while you are far away or is not directly talking to them.

These kind of persons are whom I hate the most. Why cant they be brave enough to be able to say the things they want to say about you face to face. COWARDICE. Backstabbers.

Misunderstandings and childish quarrel will be lessened if less people avoid this kind of attitude.

If you wakt to say something to someone, may it be good or not, be brave enough and face him. That will be a lot better conversation.

Lady Gaga’s speech at the Born This Way Ball in Manila

Straight from the heart!

People should really be open minded these days.

Graveyard Duty (RPh)

There are three things I love about graveyard duty:

1. No traffic. Since almost everybody is already homebound by around 2100H.

2. Time flies. Because of the amount of work, which is relatively just enough to get through the night, I dont even notice that its already 6am and we’re about to go home.

3. Night differential 

There are also three things I dont like about graveyard duty:

1. Eyebags. It is harder to sleep during daytime because of the hot weather and bright sunlight.

2. Transportation hazard. Lots of bad people roam around after dark.

3. No office hour = No drug Info = Harder questions from the phone that needs to be answered. (HAHA)

* But in general, graveyard duty is the schedule that I love the most.

Butchoy: our wonder dog. :)

He who makes every frowning face smile.  )

The Dolphin Show

Ocean Adventure
Subic Bay Metropolitan Authority

Sail Away!

(Boracay, Philippines)

Love Sucks

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isnt it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, so different fron any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didnt ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isnt your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass of splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ~Neil Gaiman

Selecta Ice Cream: Magnum

February 29, 2012 was a leap day. Extra 24 hours of our lives that comes once every four years. A day when everyone tries a little harder to make that day count.

That Wednesday afternoon, we completed our Medical Exam in a reputable hospital where my friend and I are applying as pharmacists. That way, we made our Leap Day count. :)

Because #magnum was trending in the Philippines the night before (Februaru 28, 2012), my friend and I were talking about it almost the whole time we were together. Because I wasn't quite interested about #magnum that evening, I never checked what it was about so at first I thought I was a gun or something but to my ignorance, the trend happened to be an Ice cream that Selecta launched that evening. So we ended up going to a 7Eleven Convenience Store to buy and give it a try.

I bought Magnum: Almond.

The chocolate coating tastes like cadburry chochettes; sprinkled with bits of almods that isnt too much to overpower the chocolate. The Ice Cream inside is the usual Selecta Vanilla flavor.

It costs 60 pesos. 

As a foodie with sweet tooth , I would recommend Magnum: Almond.

It satisfied my taste buds and it is pretty cheap! :D

yosi?

It was supposed to be a boring evening, alone at my dorm room with some TV host frantically speaking in the background while I was trying to read for a pharmacology quiz in two days when I thought of doing something unusual for someone like me that time (3rd year, 2nd semester just began: College)

So there was my spontaneous self, as usual coming alive again because of the monotony of life that week, when I thought of doing something new, something that I used to hate from people: puff a cigarette( my first). I bought a stick of Marlboro Lights Menthol from Manang sidewalk vendor infront of Wendy's Dapitan and then went in front of Pampanga's Best which I chose because of the dim lighting and smoked my first stick of yosi. I didn't like it. I think every first timer will never like it unless he/she is a hypocrite. It tastes bad, not only your breathe but every string of your top clothing and your fingers will smell like you just burned a house and the nausea it brings feels almost like a hang-over (to the first timers).

Friday after that evening, as usual, we ended up drinking some in Tapsi to treat ourselves a little after a week's work at school, when I tried to puff my second stick, the second time was alot better, then a third stick until I thought I was going to be hooked up with it but because of my intoxication with a relatively lot of beer bottles, I forgot about the cigarette thing and it became irrelevant.

Morning after that, I realized that I am not capable of being a chain smoker because my body and brain wont tolerate the nicotine and I can not continue living as a chain smoker because of the obvious lot more reasons not to than the very few reasons to continue doing it.

As of now, I only smoke whenever im really stressed out and pressured or whenever a problem is about to consume me. I puff a cigarette to relieve my worn out mind and body and to calm me down when ever I am very angry or about to cry or shout out really loud. Sometimes I smoke because of peer pressure, just to look cool, but i do that seldom because I find that pointless and life threatening. :D

You will eventually get tired of each other; everyday quarrel and misunderstanding, routinary dates and escapades and sometimes even the sweet text messages. And then you will break up; try everything to loose contact with each other, fight against your own will to stop looking at your old photos; which will last for days, sometimes weeks. And then that morning will come when you'll suddenly, from out of nowhere, long for the good morning messages or good morning hug or good morning kiss on the forehead and you'll realize  that you miss that person, regret what just lasted for days or weeks and still, until the very end ignore the reality that you still love that person. So now you're back having daily conversations with him.